Anticipation. Hype. This was what had been building up all these years in countless Indians (who are no doubt more political than I am) who wished to hear Rahul Gandhi’s auspicious words on the situation our country is facing and what he planned to do about it. So there was a lot of excitement when the viewers of Times Now, a channel catering almost entirely to people in the midst of an ongoing mid-life crisis with limited access to pornography, who release their tension by hooting at their television sets whenever Arnab Goswami says, “The nation wants to know” (Seriously, you can get very drunk if you attempt to play a drinking game every time he uses this phrase), were told that The Great Goswami would be conducting a one-on-one with Rahul Gandhi, the man at the very helm of one of India’s foremost political parties, the Indian National Congress, which is currently in the throes of what political analysts call too much Political and Economic Sissypussying. So at 9 P.M., every man, woman, child and woman (there’s nothing as too much feminism) switched from ‘Indra – The Tiger’ to ‘Frankly Speaking with Arnab Goswami’, in anticipation of the biggest back-and-forth clash between The King of Live Debating and The Mother’s Boy, who suddenly asserted himself after watching the Indian version of 24, starring Anil Kapoor, the Indian embarrassment at the 81st Academy Award Ceremony.
The interview, to be curt, was a disappointment and worse, frankly an embarrassment. The adage, “Keep your mouth shut and appear slow rather than open it, and remove all doubt” truly applies to this man. It appears that he came with some prepared answers which he shot at the interviewer, regardless of what the question was. For example:
Arnab: How is Narendra Modi responsible for the [2002 Gujarat] riots when the courts have given him a clean chit, politically your party’s tact to criticise Narendra Modi and draw him into the Gujarat riots?
Rahul (henceforth to referred as The Parrot Squawks): Our political party is fighting an ideological battle against the BJP and let me draw out the two pillars- our party believes that women should be empowered, democracy should go to every house, that RTI, and the MNREGA paradigm should be further expanded. The BJP believes power should be extremely concentrated in this country, few people should run this country and the large mass of this country should have no voice.
Arnab: What is your view of the BJP Prime Ministerial candidate?
The Parrot Squawks: What Rahul Gandhi wants to do, is Rahul Gandhi and millions of youngsters in this country want to change the way the system in this country works. What Rahul Gandhi wants to do is empower the women in this country, wants to unleash the power of these women, I mean we talk about being a superpower.
The Parrot Squawks: WomenEmpowermentRTIActMNREGAFarmerElectionsBoobsTransparencyIHeartAshokChavanCandidateSelection
Viewers: HAHAHAHAHHA ISEY MUMMY KE PAAS BHEJO, AB MODI KO VOTE DENA HAI
And it goes on… and on… for one and a half hours. During that period, I fantasised about how public stupidity on a large scale should be rewarded with a suitable punishment… Corporal Punishment came to mind… Stoning (the medieval meaning, you druggies), being stretched out on the rack, whipping and my favourite form of capital punishment, hanging without the black hood over your face; to watch that rotund face go purple and grow grotesque with the eyes eventually popping out while the crowds cheered and touched themselves to the spectacle… Ah, bliss.
I don’t wish to defame or malign anybody (Please, don’t kill me, I love myself), it’s just that it’s very disappointing that one of the most powerful people in this country is not capable of independent thinking and the most basic form that interviews can take. It was just a couple of well-formulated questions that the Congress should have been expecting, for debate around these questions have been raging for ages. Well, I guess the baby bird was kicked out of its nest a little earlier than he was expecting by his imperious, Italian-origin mother. Sad yaar, but I will be voting for Mr. Modi, The Last Airbender and the BJP this year.