This post is going to be very personal. It’s entirely about the things I’m going through right now so feel free to skip onto other things… No wait. You know what? This is the problem with me (and I suspect a horde of other people). This shallow mask of bravado, unbecoming as it is, is something I’ve perfected over the years. It makes me a pathological liar; I’m unable to open up to anybody, even my best friends, for fear of revealing “too much” about myself. It’s probably to do with the fact that I am an only child of my parents, the years do get lonely when you don’t have someone to talk to all the time and you live in a city like New Delhi where it takes more than an hour to reach a friend’s place and you can’t use the public transport system because your parents have disallowed it for fear of something happening to you. Delhi “the Rape Capital of India” has become more unsafe as the years roll by but that’ll be the topic of my musings on another day.
Moving on, this habit of mine to only partially tell the truth even when it isn’t required has won me few friends. Sure, I know hundreds of people and have the ability to strike up a conversation with practically anybody but maintaining relationships with people… That is another matter entirely. It is shocking to see the number of people I have been best friends with in my entire school career (it’d be wise to mention at this point that I’m 18 years old and have just finished with school) and how easily my relations with them have broken. I have tarried in many a place, known many people and left them just as easily I would an unused library book. My relations with my present set of friends look promising but everybody is leaving for college, going to different states where they’ll meet new people, and I’m scared that this great thing we have going on right now, will fall apart as it always does.
This is the time in life that everybody has deemed is “the most important phase”. Choosing your college, whether your grades are good enough to get you in the college of your dreams, what your parents want, what you want, what career you wish to pursue and whether the subject you choose to major in will be of any help. These questions have been pursuing me relentlessly like a pack of ravenous hounds for the past two months and every night I can’t go to sleep before 3 A.M. because these questions are racing around in my mind. What if I choose the wrong stream and don’t do well in life? What if I don’t get a job? What if I secretly am a failure? What if… And it goes on and on. For months I thought I’d do law and become a great lawyer, kicking everybody’s ass in law school because of my superior English speaking skills. Then I started to get disillusioned when I saw the competition I’d be facing. Furthermore, I began to question if law really was where my interests lay. You see I’ve always been a bookworm, no point in arguing against that fact. I love reading about anything and everything under the sun. History, fiction, classics, you name it. And I’ve always really wanted to pursue a career in writing and perhaps diplomacy because I’m good with that and never take strong, factional views on anything. I’m a peaceful person and I abhor taking sides, but when I do, it’s always the weaker person’s side so as to restore equilibrium. For becoming a diplomat in India you have to give the Indian Civil Services exam which is probably the toughest to pass in the country. So I need to have backup options. I wish to pursue history which is a very good subject if you wish to join the Indian Foreign Services but what if I don’t get through? Do I really want to become a professor and teach in some obscure university? Choices, choices everywhere, not a mind to think. Regardless, this is a terrifying phase in my life where every choice will determine how the rest of my life pans out. I’m hoping against hope that I won’t do something silly and be committed to it for the rest of my life. Thanks for being there while I uncontrollably spew forth a host of emotions, I feel much better now.